Breaking free from the cycle of "shoulding"

[WORLD] We’ve all been there—caught in a whirlwind of self-criticism, constantly telling ourselves what we should be doing. Maybe it’s the “should” of productivity, relationships, or even self-care. But when this mindset starts to take over, it can be detrimental to your well-being. Let’s dive into the phenomenon of “shoulding,” its effects, and how to break free from its grasp.

The Power and Pitfalls of the Word ‘Should’

The word “should” may seem harmless at first, but its repeated use can have a profound psychological impact. On the surface, it seems like a gentle reminder to do what’s necessary. But over time, it morphs into a voice that nags at your subconscious, creating feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

As author and therapist Ellen Choi points out, “when we are constantly saying ‘should’ to ourselves, we are often internalizing societal expectations, which are not always in line with our personal values or true desires." This creates a conflict within, leading to anxiety, burnout, and even a sense of disconnection from ourselves.

Why We ‘Should’ Ourselves Into Stress

There are several reasons why the “shoulding” habit develops. From external pressures like societal norms, family expectations, or professional demands to internalized beliefs about what makes us “worthy,” the origin of our self-imposed shoulds is multifaceted.

1. The Need for Perfection: The pressure to always perform at our best or be the ideal version of ourselves is a driving force behind the “should” mindset. This need to meet high expectations often stems from perfectionism—a desire to be flawless in all areas of life.

2. Fear of Judgment or Rejection: The fear of not meeting expectations (whether internal or external) is another major contributor. “Shoulding” can be seen as an attempt to avoid judgment or rejection, pushing us to meet external standards, even at the expense of our mental health.

3. Self-Worth Tied to Achievement: When our sense of self-worth is connected to achievement, we are more likely to tell ourselves that we “should” be doing more, being more productive, or achieving more. This constant cycle can leave us feeling inadequate, regardless of how much we accomplish.

The Harmful Impact of ‘Shoulding’

Constantly telling yourself what you “should” do can harm your mental and emotional health. According to Choi, “we get caught in a loop of negative self-talk, where no matter how much we accomplish, it never feels like enough.”

1. Guilt and Shame: The more you engage in “shoulding,” the more you feel like you're falling short. This leads to guilt, shame, and feelings of unworthiness. Over time, these feelings can grow, leading to a toxic cycle that is difficult to escape.

2. Anxiety and Stress: When the “shoulds” pile up, so does the stress. Whether it's the constant demands of work, social obligations, or personal goals, the pressure to meet these expectations can overwhelm you. The fear of failure or disappointing others can exacerbate feelings of anxiety, leading to burnout.

3. Loss of Autonomy: Choi emphasizes that “the more we live by other people's ‘shoulds,’ the more we lose sight of what we actually want and need.” The constant drive to meet external standards can erode your sense of personal autonomy and create a disconnection from your true desires.

How to Stop ‘Shoulding’ All Over Yourself

The first step in breaking free from the “should” mindset is recognizing when it happens. Self-awareness is key. Once you’re able to identify when you’re using the word “should,” it’s easier to shift your mindset and start making healthier, more realistic decisions.

Here are some strategies to help you stop “shoulding” on yourself:

1. Reframe the ‘Shoulds’ Into Choices: Instead of telling yourself you should do something, reframe it as a choice. Ask yourself, “Do I want to do this? Is this aligned with my values?” Replacing “should” with “choose” empowers you to take control of your decisions and removes the pressure.

2. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. When you notice the “shoulds” creeping in, pause and remind yourself that it’s okay not to be perfect. It’s okay to set boundaries and say no. Self-compassion helps to reduce guilt and self-criticism.

3. Identify Your Values: A key part of breaking free from “shoulding” is realigning with your values. What truly matters to you? By focusing on your core values, you can filter out external expectations that don’t resonate with your true desires. This allows you to make decisions that feel authentic, rather than living according to someone else’s standards.

4. Challenge Perfectionism: Perfectionism is often at the root of excessive “shoulding.” If you find yourself constantly trying to be flawless, challenge those perfectionistic tendencies. Recognize that mistakes are a natural part of growth and that it’s okay to be imperfect.

5. Seek Professional Help if Needed: Sometimes, the habit of “shoulding” can be deeply ingrained, and breaking free may require professional support. Therapists can help you understand the root causes of these beliefs and offer techniques for reframing your thoughts and behaviors.

The Freedom of Letting Go of the ‘Shoulds’

Letting go of the constant pressure to meet impossible standards can be liberating. Choi highlights that “learning to be gentle with ourselves and recognizing that we don’t have to be perfect to be worthy is a crucial part of finding peace.” It’s about creating space for self-acceptance and embracing the imperfect journey of life.

When you stop “shoulding” all over yourself, you start to live with intention. You make choices that align with who you truly are, rather than what others expect. You embrace your imperfections, which fosters a sense of peace and fulfillment. Most importantly, you give yourself permission to simply be.

The habit of “shoulding” can be overwhelming, leaving you feeling trapped by self-imposed pressure. By recognizing when these “shoulds” are taking over your thoughts and emotions, you can begin to reframe them and make decisions that feel more aligned with your true self. Through self-compassion, mindfulness, and professional support if necessary, you can break free from the cycle of perfectionism and live a more authentic and fulfilling life.

In the words of Ellen Choi, “It’s time to stop shoulding all over yourself and start embracing the freedom of choice and self-compassion.”